NaNoWriMo and My Writing Anxiety

I started doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) back in 2007. I heard about it from one of my homeschooled friends. I started late and I finished early. I couldn't believe it. That was my senior  year of high school. I also completed my manuscript in 2008 my first year of college. I haven't been successful since. I think it's because I became an English major. Writing stopped being a hobby and became homework instead. It became something that was required of me instead of something I did for fun.

I began writing at age 14 as a way to escape my real life. My mother and my step-dad both have mental illnesses. Growing up was rough. I was the oldest and I was expected to take care of things when they couldn't. I felt like I had no one to talk to who would understand what I was going through. I immersed myself in this fantasy world with a timeline of 15 years and contained nearly 50 characters. It was my secret and I didn't tell anybody about it. They knew I wrote a lot but nobody knew what it was. I hoped that if I believed in it hard enough I could stop existing in this world and start existing in that one.

I was incredibly insecure. It wasn't even really because of anything anybody said. My parents and teachers praised me for being so smart. My friends seemed to think I was reasonably funny. I didn't believe them. I felt inadequate.

Then once I started dating Josh things got better. He was nice to me, he complimented me, he actually thought I was smart and pretty even though I was sure that I wasn't. Then I got scared to write. I felt like there was a link between my unhappiness and my writing. I was scared that if I started writing my unhappiness and my anxiety would come back.

I forced myself through my writing classes. I only produced a few pieces I was actually proud of. Now I'm 25. I'm married and I'm the happiest I've ever been. But trying to write my NaNo is painful. I have all of these "bad" habits when I write. I don't know how to get back in the groove.

So I've been sitting in my dark bedroom listening to my music that makes me want to cry and playing solitaire until my eyes feel like they're going to fall out. I didn't have the internet on my computer in high school. I had microsoft word and solitaire. The words are coming though. So I guess that's good. I just hoped I had moved beyond these habits but I guess not.

I'm scared to write in public or where other people could potentially read over my shoulder. These words are my safety net to protect me when the world falls apart. But I have Josh now and my world shouldn't fall apart anymore.

Now I Have an Amazing Keyboard

I got my keyboard in the mail yesterday shortly after posting. I immediately had to go out and buy batteries for it because it takes AAA and I only stockpile AA. Good job. So now I have a keyboard and it is amazing and it will definitely help me write more and more often. It's not even noon yet and I've already done my 750 words and I'm writing a  blog post. Look at me go. After this I'm probably going to work on my Hubpages articles a little bit more. Because I am on a roll. Then I will probably be so hungry that I feel like I'm gonna die because Josh might forget to make lunch because he is sucked into his computer as well. Oh well. That's how we choose to live. Then I can go work out and then use his computer to finish up my articles before I go to work. Yay!

My super cute workstation. 

Truckster X-5 - Poem

The Truck

The love child of an army jeep and a dune buggy.

Held together by gravity and imagination.

She belongs to my step-father.

He traded Volkswagen parts for her crooked frame,

and put her together piece by piece.

Constantly replacing, inventing, improving.

The body is made of road signs and diamond plate,

and painted olive drab.

The front fenders were replaced with ones from a semi truck.

and the added roll bars are pieces from an army generator.

The doors were made removable years ago.

But the Buddha velcroed to the dash never changes.

The pinto motor in the back is simple enough

that a twelve year old girl

can take apart the handful of wires.

While a fourteen year old boy

removes the six bolts holding it in place.

It takes two hours to pull the motor out and put it back in.

The truck is small enough that when the starter goes out

a tired fifteen year old girl

can push it across a flat parking lot to pop start it.

And light enough that when it accidently rolls into the ditch

It only takes two men to put it back on its wheels.

©Chloe VanDuinen 2012

Pink Messenger Bag - Poem

Pink Messenger Bag

We’ve been through a lot, you and I. From the

Calculus book I carried three semesters in a row,

to the Shakespeare book I pretended to read.

I bought you for ten dollars as a college freshman.

You became my trademark. My identifier. My

companion. You carried everything.

You took me East to North Carolina and

West to Washington. Each time holding

enough clothes to last me the week.

And there was that time you broke in Walmart.

I had to borrow a purse from my roommate to replace

you. I was sad every day I couldn’t get you fixed.

But now, three and a half years later, your bottom is

wearing thin, and your Velcro is nearly gone. I’ve

had to reinforce both of your straps twice.

I can’t bear the thought of getting rid of you. Even

though I’m terrified you’ll break on days I carry my

computer and Norton Anthology.

So I guess you get to stay a while longer. And if you

promise not to break I’ll bring you back next year.

We can be fifth year seniors together.

© Chloe VanDuinen 2012

Dent Elementary - Poem

Dent Elementary

The last time I was here

I was in the fourth grade.

They were closing the first school

I’d ever gone to.

My sister and I had to visit.

We went in the evening,

parking behind the school

next to the playground.

It all looked the same.

I could have been playing there yesterday.

We went to the windows to sneak a peek

at the classrooms we once spent most of our days in.

As we circled the school

an instinct kicked in,

left over from dumpster diving fathers.

Wondering if we would find treasure.

And we did.

Books.

Hundreds of books.

And in that moment our adventure

became a rescue mission.

I started digging through them

as she got the car.

We had to move fast.

We didn’t want to get caught.

Stacks upon stacks filled the backseat

of my tiny car,

spilling onto the floor.

Children’s books,

and other things.

Like science equipment,

boxed cat skeletons,

and slide projectors.

We took as much as we could

with the promise we would return

for the rest in the morning.

© Chloe VanDuinen 2012

Heartbreak - Poem

I bet she means as much to you
as I did.
So when she asks if she meant anything
you'll give her the same answer you gave me.
Silence.

I can only hope she'll take the advice
I didn't want to hear.
Hopefully she'll trust her friends more
than I did.
And realize what you're doing.

You're breaking her, and yet you act so nice.
So the breaking doesn't hurt
and if it does she thinks she has you for comfort.
But you're the one who caused the pain
so it never really goes away.

She's blind to it getting worse
and the brokenness will infect her heart.
Just as it did mine.
It will take a long time to put her back together
and fix the pain you caused.

And you're going to continue the lies,
trying to undermine my truth.
Her heart will break when she realizes you aren't the guy
she thought you were.
And you'll have hurt her, more than you ever hurt me.

© Chloe VanDuinen 2011

Poetry

So my mom is making me sort through all of my stuff before I go back to school, which is a good idea. I decided to pull out some of my old poetry files so I can finally get things sorted into a cohesive manner. I have 7 years of poetry and stories and journal entries lying around in files and notebooks.

Here's a pic of my poetry all jammed into one folder. It's a little ridiculous.

I Want to Kiss You Under Streetlamps - Poem

I want to watch rainbows with you
childish though it may seem
I want to dam up tiny streams with rocks
and create new paths
I want to write love songs in the sand
for everyone to share
I want to kiss in the rain
as the drops run down our cheeks
I want to build huge bonfires
and make the night bright as day
I want to press my hand to your heart
and take your pain away

I want to watch rainbows with you, to catch minnows and sail paper boats. I want to write love songs in the sand and sing them badly. I want to build bonfires and wish on stars and eat marshmallows out of the bag. I want to dance in the rain and kiss you under streetlamps in the falling snow...

© Chloe VanDuinen 2011

You Bring Out the Hopeless Romantic in Me - Poem

Inspired by the Poem You Bring out the Boring White Guy in Me by Jim Daniels

You bring out the hopeless romantic in me. The sing
in the shower, dance in the rain in me. You bring out
the tv watcher, video game player, heavy metal listener
in me. You bring out the writer, the reader, the doodler. The
five-year-old child and the hand holding teenage lover in me.
The "I need to scream 'I love you' at the top of my lungs
because maybe then you'll understand how much you
mean to me." You bring out the giggle, the laugh. You
bring out the "you're beautiful just the way you are."
You bring out the magic, the feeling that anything can
happen. You bring out the spontaneous adventurer and the
competitive nature. You bring out the 3am chatter. You
bring out the slow dancer, the risk taker, the card player.
You bring out everything I've ever wanted to be.

©Chloe VanDuinen 2011

Every Night - Poem

Every night for the rest
of our lives I'm going
to tell you I love you.

If I can't see you in
person I intend to
text you. That way
you can read it as
many times as you
like.

I want "I love you"
to be the last words
you hear or see at the
end of every night.

I want you to know
just how loved you
are and that I never
stop thinking about
you.

©Chloe VanDuinen 2011

Snowfall - Poem

Swirling
Spinning
Drifting
Floating
The snow falls
Bright white
Tumbling to the ground
The pink sky
Lights it up
A picture perfect moment
perfect
perfect
perfect
I want to share these
Perfect moments with you
And the imperfect ones
For the rest of my life

© Chloe VanDuinen 2011

Moments - Poem

The soft glow of the streetlamps
Turns the sky a hazy pink
The snow falls
Drifting slowly to the ground
This moment reminds me of you
And makes me miss you
Such a perfect moment
That I wish I could share
To hold your hand
Lean my head against your shoulder
And watch the huge beautiful flakes fall to the ground
To just take in the moment
The type of moment that you only see
In books and movies
I want those moments with you
Forever

© Chloe VanDuinen 2011

I won NaNoWriMo

Yay! Yay! Yay! I just finished my NaNoWriMo novel and I do not want to write anymore today. (I had to write over 10,000 words today alone... which leads me to believe I could indeed write 50,000 words over the course of 5 days if I had a decent outline to go off of... May have to try that sometime, but not anytime soon.)

But yeah, super duper excited. I ended up with a word count of 50,101. Though most of that is really, really terrible. It's mostly my characters, whining and running away from things. (They're actually pretty annoying when it comes down to it.) But it's pretty ok. I made it to the end and that's what matters. It's a pretty anti-climactic ending though. I was a little disappointed so that's going to have to change but until then it works. It made me win, no one said it had to be good, they just said it sort of had to go together. There are a couple holes in the middle that I didn't bother filling but I'm done and now I can finally hang out with my boyfriend again. Yay!

So, when winter break shows up the editing starts, it's just a debate on whether to edit this one to halfway coherent standards or to work more on my first NaNo. Either way. I don't want to write another word for a while... though I will. I am kind of a creative writing major.

Now, off to celebrate...

National Novel Writing Month

So I suppose I probably should have posted this on Monday but whatever. November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). It's where you try to write a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. It's pretty fun. I've won it in 2007 with the book "Being an Angel-No Regrets." I lost in 2008 with the sequel "Being an Angel-Second Chance" (I only made it to 13,000 words but I was also a college freshman.) Last year (2009) I won again with the book "Hidden Magic" which didn't make any sense at all.

Right now my novel is called "It Began with Rain." That probably won't stay the title but it was all I could think of for right now. I'm already fighting with my two main characters which is a very good sign and shows that this book is likely to turn out decently.

I'm also really hoping to make it to 75,000 words instead of just 50,000 but I don't know if that's going to work. I can dream though. As long as I win I figure I've done a good job and I'm trying hard to get everyone to keep up as well, they're doing pretty good so far. I'm proud of them. I'm surprised I've gotten so many people to actually participate with me.

Silence - Poem

Silence
I like that moment
when a song ends
the drumbeat fades
and you're left
standing still
waiting for the notes
of the next song
everyone's waiting
patient
still
silent
and suddenly you realize
how fast your heart is beating
how loud it is in your ears
and you wonder if everyone
feels like that
I hold my breath
waiting
I exhale slowly
feeling my mind clear
feeling the silence seep into my life
but it's a comfortable kind of silence
a safe kind
because you're trapped there
with everyone else
listening to the beat of your own heart
and the person next to you hears
their own heart
at the same rhythm
so it's as though everyone is
hearing the same thing
so you're never really alone
as long as your heart is beating

© Chloe VanDuinen 2010

Forever - Poem

Forever
and ever and ever
and ever and ever and ever
That's how long I want to be with you
Always, Always, Always
That's how often I want to be in your arms
The rest of my life
That's how long I'll be yours.

© Chloe VanDuinen 2010

Just Be Somebody

Rip it up. Tear it up. All those pieces of your old life. Start again. Start anew. Change yourself. Change the world. Never stop. Run on, and on, and on. Live with all you've got. Love with everything you've ever had. Trust your heart, have no regrets. Want things, get things, and if they don't satisfy you, move on. Be yourself, be someone else. Just be somebody. Create somebody to be. Play guitar, dance in the rain, wear plastic jewelry, paint pictures, write books. Do something you've never done, go somewhere you've never gone.

My Box of Trinkets - Poem

My Box of Trinkets
A wooden rose
friends forever
10 green bells
to always remember
A dandelion bouquet
gift from my love
A letter to God
words for above
Red masquerade mask
purchased myself
Some foreign coins
an odd stash of wealth

© Chloe VanDuinen 2010

100 Things That Make Me Happy Besides Money

1. My friends
2. My boyfriend
3. Rain
4. Lightning storms
5. Fresh strawberries
6. My sister
7. Class being cancelled
8. Road trips with friends
9. Rollercoasters
10. The ocean
11. Kids movies
12. Blueberries
13. Scrumptious potatoes
14. Homemade potato salad
15. Cats
16. Puppies
17. Climbing trees
18. Feeling pretty
19. Dancing
20. Kissing
21. Long hugs
22. Holding hands
23. Love
24. Sunshine
25. Playgrounds
26. Lakes
27. Sunrises
28. Sunsets
29. Cold water
30. Coffee
31. Music
32. Concerts
33. Good food
34. Avocadoes
35. Mashed potatoes and cottage cheese
36. Papa John’s pizza
37. Nature
38. Hiking
39. Painting
40. Writing
41. Drawing
42. Hosting parties
43. Volunteering
44. Making others happy
45. Running
46. Reading
47. Dr. Pepper in bottle
48. Twist ice cream cones
49. Happy people
50. Collecting rocks
51. Flowers
52. Sleeping
53. Dreaming
54. Having reality become better than my dreams
55. Dancing in the rain
56. Laughing
57. Not being responsible
58. Meditating
59. The internet
60. Staying connected
61. Getting cute text messages
62. Birthday cake
63. Doing nothing
64. Being spontaneous
65. God
66. Being healthy
67. Smiling
68. Surprising people
69. Old books
70. Old buildings
71. Renovating anything
72. Fixing things
73. Landscaping
74. Gardening
75. Making things magical
76. Simple things
77. Dumb jokes
78. Fire
79. My room
80. Cooking for friends
81. Sledding
82. Spontaneous snowball fights
83. Halloween
84. Anime club
85. Dressing up
86. Cookies
87. Smoothies
88. Sitcoms
89. Baked lays and whipped Yoplait yogurt
90. Orange pop and twizzlers nibs
91. Fruit juice
92. Mindless games
93. Gelato
94. My car
95. Cute clothes
96. My family
97. Finishing projects
98. Starting projects
99. Making things beautiful
100. Sewing

Running - Poem

The other day I stayed up until sunrise
And it began to rain
The sky was full of colors and I wanted to see it better
So I jogged down to the lake to watch it
And as I was running I realized I didn't want to run away anymore
I finally had things I wanted to run toward
But as I reached the lake the sunrise was over
And the colors were all gone
So I walked down to the end of the dock
And stood there as the rain fell softly onto my face
I sat down and took my shoes off so I could put my feet in the water
The lake looked so beautiful
I watched the rain drops falling on the surface
And the ripples as I swished my feet
I wished you were there so badly
I wanted to be able to hold your hand and share that beautiful moment with you
It was so amazing
Proof that in the chaos of this world beautiful things still exist
Love still exists
And it can be a really scary thing
But I'm not afraid anymore
I've been down that road and I feel stronger because of it
Love is giving someone the ability to destroy your heart and trusting them not to
I trust you Josh
I trust you with everything I have
And I promise with every ounce of my being
That I will be true to you
Because that's what love is about
That's what it means for me every time I say "I love you"
I've never felt like this before
And no one has ever stopped my breath by putting their arms around me
I didn't even realize that was possible
And the more time I spend with you
The more I want it to last forever
I need you to understand that
I need you to understand how important you are
I need you to understand that I don't want anyone else
And I don't think I ever will
And yeah, it scares the shit out of me that I feel this way
Because it's only been three months
But then I see you and I know it's all going to be okay
Because life is too short to be scared
And it's too short to worry
So I'm going to dive in and give it my all
I'm going to work to be there for you as much as you are for me
Because I've finally found someone worth running to
And that's a really big deal
So take my hand and I'll hold it tight
Let's sit in the rain and watch the sunrise
Because the world is a beautiful place
So let it fill your heart
And flush out the fear
Because I'm right beside you
I love you Josh

© Chloe VanDuinen 2010